Tainted: Part I

Chapter I

I had a dream again and I cannot fall back to sleep. The city is unearthly quiet. I cannot understand it, Coruscant is never quiet and yet I hear not a single sound. My dreams grow more disturbing each night. I feel such agony that I am amazed I do not wake others or that they do not feel my unrest. When I do get up in the morning nobody suspects a thing. I do not want them to but I did not think that I could mask it so well, but I suppose that I must.

My dream tonight was the worst ever. It started off peaceful and calm as it does every time. I was on some remote planet, Dantooine or Alderaan, in a garden mediating. I could feel life all around me growing and it was beautiful and serene. Then a weed popped out of the ground, it was black and poisonous and rapidly the life around it died and the blackness spread out and took over everything. Thick black vines broke out of the ground as if they had mind of their own and grabbed my limbs and pinned me to the ground. I fought but the harder I fought the tighter the vines held, until I stopped struggling and the vines branched out over my body until I was completely encased. I couldn’t breathe or see.

As my life slipped away, all I could do was think of what I would give to see sunshine again. I groaned in pain and it felt like the vines had torn into my very flesh and were racing through my blood. Like an evil inflection, I felt a thick black vine crawling through my chest and wrapping tightly around my heart as it struggled to beat. I screamed, trying to get my mind off the pain, but my screams only echoed inside my head. Please, let me go, I’ll do anything! I just want to live!

I heard a hissing chuckle, soft and low. I screamed again as the vine squeezed my heart even tighter and tears flowed from my eyes. I said it again. I’ll do anything; I am no match for this. I just don’t want to die!

At these words the black vines melted away and the pain was gone, although my heart felt weak and the pain in my chest made it difficult to breathe. I rose to my feet, coughing a little, and saw, underneath the dead trees that were once living, a black hooded figure. I stumbled closer, my knees were like leaves being blown across the dead earth and I fell at his feet. He stretched out a white hand with strange red symbols painted on it and laid it on my head, it was cold to the touch and sent electrifying shivers down my spine. I felt stronger, I felt powerful, and my emotions were my strength. I found the strength to stand and looked my savior in the eye. He had saved me from the dreadful vines and now I would serve him for eternity. I could not see his face but I knew his eyes looked upon me and into my soul, and he chuckled again for he knew that I was his.

That is when I woke up. Just recounting this dream makes me feel weak again. I would think nothing of these dreams except that they seem so real. Sometimes, I think they might be visions, but how is that possible? If they are, I should tell one of the masters, but…they are only dreams right? I would not want to make a fuss about silly dreams. Then again, I’m not supposed to have dreams. My training should prevent me from having them, but it is not unheard despite that. I shall mediate on this, and if I have the courage, upon the dreams as well. Perhaps, I shall be given insight as in what to do.

It is morning already. I think I will get up. Teppa Casudu is returning from Corellia today, she would love it if I were there at the landing platform to greet her. I shall go check with hanger droids to see when she is scheduled to arrive.

Teppa is my oldest and dearest friend, I met her my very first day here at the Academy. She was younger than I. Having been born on a core world she was discovered before she was even a year old, she remembers nothing of her family. I was discovered at age five on Voru, so I still remember my family a little. She was three when I first arrived. All the strange things around me frightened me: the kilometer high towers, the bustle of this vast city, and all the strange creatures that I’d never seen before.

Voru is not very populated with only a few large cities but mostly little towns and settlements dotting the mountain slopes and hills. Voru is home to the most mineral rich water in the galaxy. Springs deep inside the mountain bubble up the minerals from the planet core and create crystal rivers that flow towards the oceans. Several hot springs are large tourist destinations and many often come seeking healing. I do not know much else about my home world other than what I’ve read. I remember very little of it. I remember my family’s house and my family, but almost everything outside of it is distant and hazy in my memory.

The Jedi Temple is my home now. These vast halls and tall pillars are all that I know now. Sometimes, I am still caught off guard by the beauty and majesty of this place. I pray that it will last forever, for the day that this building is leveled to the ground, though I hope I never see it, it will be the day when all hope as been extinguished from the galaxy. For without the Jedi the galaxy would be lost. This place could only be destroyed if the Jedi were all killed, but that I do not foresee.

I enter the hanger and see Teppa’s fighter. She has already landed. Oh, there she is! Wondrous beauty! She sees me and comes quickly at first, but then breaks into a run. I did not know until this moment how much I missed her. Teppa throws herself in my arms. What is this feeling that bubbles in my chest as I hold her close and take in the floral scent of her hair? I must get a hold of myself and I tenderly detach her from my body.

“We cannot do this here,” I caution her, longing to stroke her rosy cheek.

“But I missed you,” she says yearningly.

“As I missed you,” this time the urge is too much and I reach out to caress her shoulder. “But you know why we cannot.” I remind.

Passion is forbidden in our order. Passion leads to jealousy and angry. These are the traits of the dark side. I do not have passion for Teppa, I have love, or so I’ve told myself hundreds of times. I know now that I have always loved her. When we were young, we were very aware that we were of opposite sexes, but we knew nothing of passion. We were friends and only friends for many years, but only recently have we come to understand the passion we have for one another, the physical yearning. So far we have suppressed it and not let our feelings get the better of us, but this is the longest that Teppa and I have been separated. She has been gone months and in that time I missed her terribly, and have come to believe that this type of passion we have is not a bad thing. We have not and cannot acknowledge it publicly, but deep within our souls it strengthens us and makes us stronger.

It is perhaps a noble ideal, to try to live a life of impartiality and serenity but all living beings experience emotion. Life without emotion is impossible, as long as we can keep it under control as Teppa and I have done, then it can help us.

Teppa tells me that she is tired and will retire to her chambers to rest before she speaks with the Council, and then she will come to me. I am eager to speak with her. If there is anyone that I can talk to about my dream, it is she.

I have waited all morning, eager with anticipation for Teppa to come. She sent me a brief transmission that she was about to meet with the Council. Teppa has recently become a Jedi Knight and was sent to Corellia to investigate the disappearance of a Corellian senator. I’m sure she will recount everything to me later. I must confess that I envy Teppa’s advancement. I am still a Padawan. I did not pass the Trials, and so Council keeps me in limbo and has sent my mentor to move on to other apprentices. Teppa has faith that I shall soon be made a Knight but I have my doubts. The masters always seem cautious around me, even my old mentor, Master Diola, seems uneasy near me. I do not know what it is. I thought I was ready for the Trials, I do not know what happened. There are not many that fail the Trials and are kept on as Padawans, especially without a mentor. I don’t understand it. I think that Teppa knows something but she has not told me, but I have not asked. I think I should.

I hear a knock on my door and get up to open it. It is Teppa, as I thought, she looks even more beautiful now that she has rested and changed. I feel these strange urges that I felt in the hanger. I don’t know what it is but I must touch her, I must kiss her. I cannot but she looks at me and I can no longer hold back. I grab her, I think I’ve hurt her but I do not notice and neither does she. She presses her body against my mine and I kiss her hard and deep. Teppa runs her hands through my hair and grabs a fistful, I think she is trying to pull closer to me, pain ripples across my skull but it feels good. She wants to melt into my body, to be as close to me as possible. She tears my tunic off so fast, I think I hear it rip, but I am so busy removing her own tunic that I do not know. She pushes me onto the cot against the wall, I hit my head against the wall and she pounces on me. I wrap my arms around her, caressing her soft skin. Perhaps now, our flesh can melt and become one.

Clothed again. I wish I could freeze that moment when it was only the two of us in the whole galaxy and nothing but our love. I wish I could make it last for eternity. Alas, the universe is more complicated than that. We are Jedi and our love is forbidden. What we have done was against the Order, if our passion is discovered, I do not know what will happen. I suspect that we will be expelled. I cannot be expelled, this is only thing I know and it is the same for Teppa. I suppose we would have each other…but would that be enough? Can we hide our love again? We cannot deny it, we are far beyond that now, but can we really hide it? The Council knows everything, perhaps if we told them now…but I just cannot predict what the Council might do. I would feel much better if I knew. The longer we try to keep this a secret the worse it will look when the Council discovers it, and they will discover it.

“The Corellian senator died,” Teppa tells me, sitting across from me on the cot. “The government thought it was better that they keep it quite because they believed that the senator was assassinated. It took me months to discover this and several more to find out if this was true. The senator, it seems, committed suicide.” She shrugs, “So that’s that, I suppose.” She looks at me and I am deep in thought, she reaches out and gently takes me hand.

“I was thinking about a strange dream I had last night,” I admit.

“A dream?” she inquires with a worried brow. I recount the disturbing dream and by the end, she looks ghostly pale and I fear that she might collapse.

“Tep?” I shake her hand.

“I…had the same dream,” she says weakly, “but it was a week ago. It sounds almost exactly the same, except I’m quite certain that the hooded figure in my dream was a woman.” She looks incredulously at me. “Ayani, if we are having the same strange dreams, we ought to tell the council.”

“No,” I say a little too loudly. “If we go to the council together, they will surely be able to see our love for each other.”

“So? We have done nothing wrong, so what if they know?”

“It would be better to tell them now,” I admit, “but what will they do?”

“If we are honest, I do not think they will expel us,” Teppa replies confidently, but I wish I could feel as confident as she does.

“Then I suppose that we must tell them…everything,” I whisper. “I just fear what they will do, they already don’t trust me.”

“They trust you, it’s just that…” Teppa trails off.

“Tep, tell me!” I demand.

“I don’t know for sure but there is something elusive about you. At times I can sense it and I am sure that is what the Council senses. Your future is hazy and your soul is…sometimes I think I see a darkness. It is so little though, but I am certain that only I, who knows you so well, can see it.” She assures me.

“You mean...I am falling to the dark side?” I feel stunned, is it really possible? I would not have thought so….

“No,” Tep takes my hand, “but perhaps you are at a receptive state and the Jedi cannot tell what is going on in your mind, that’s why you scare them. I know better, I know that you are strong in the light and you are a good man. If we tell the Council everything about us as well as the dreams than they will see how earnest we are and know that we only want to do what’s right.”

I sigh, “I know that you are right but I cannot help but be apprehensive.”

“It will be alright,” she smiles and squeezes my hand.

A few hours later, we are in front of the council. They all took at us with serious faces, I feel cold as I see them looking through me. What do they see? They see that I am afraid but can they see it all? I do not think so. I can feel their own apprehension.

“Master Gorron,” Teppa address the wisest master of the Council. “Padawan Ayani Nuuco and myself have become aware that we are having the same dreams.”

“Dreams?” Gorron asks to clarify.

“Yes,” I reply, “ these dreams are…dark and disturbing.” I admit reluctantly but now it is out.

“Tell us your dream!” Master Avoosi urged in alarm. So I told her all of my dreams as best I remembered, starting from the first little one to this last disturbing one. Teppa confirmed that her dreams had all been the same but with subtle differences.

“This is most strange,” Gorron mused after we’d finished. “And disturbing. I fear these dreams may tell the future. You must be very careful Padawan Nuuco and Knight Casudu, it is unfortunate but anyone can fall to the dark side.”

“Remember your training,” Master Avoosi advises. “Passion, jealousy, angry, fear, and hate these are the path to the dark side. You must resist these feelings.”

“Yes, Master,” I bow and I want to leave, but I know that we have not told them all.

Teppa looks at me, trying to give me courage.

“What else is on your minds?” Master Brey inquires, sensing and seeing our hesitation. I feel Teppa’s eyes on me, why must I be the one to say it? It is because I am afraid.

“Masters,” I start, “I…Teppa…” How can I explain it to them? Do they know already? Can they sense it? “We…are in love.” I take her hand, I don’t know why.

The Council just looks at us. I think they are surprised, but perhaps just surprised that we told them. Perhaps, in combination with the dreams, they expected us not to tell. Maybe Teppa was right that we should tell them, but now their silent, grave faces made me unsure.

“Yes,” Master Avoosi said at last. “We have sensed you had feelings for each other for a long time ago. I confess that sending Casudu away was suppose to disintegrate these passions, but they only increased.”

Teppa nodded, “Yes, Masters, which is why we felt that we must tell the Council.”

“Tread carefully where your feelings are concerned. Sometimes these things happen, and for now all you must do is be cautious. Do not let your feelings get the better of you, beware of jealousy and fear, beware of the dark side. Now go and mediate on what we have said,” Gorron instructs and we bow, taking our leave. I could hardly believe that we’d gotten off with only a warning. Or was our punishment yet to be announced?